Have you ever wondered, why do we need people in our lives? Why do we want relationships?
With my experience both professionally and personally I have learned that it does not matter how much we try to convince ourselves that, “I am better off alone” it never works.
Why do we want relationships?
A sense of security and trust…
We want relationships because we are social beings, we have a need to connect. We need friends, family and a romantic partner. Having a strong support system that we completely trust and can rely on whenever needed is required to feel secure. The absence of a sense of support can trigger feelings of anxiety and loneliness can trigger feelings of depression.
We live in a modern world where independence and self reliance is encouraged. However, our natural inclination is to depend on other people.
Have you ever found yourself thinking, am I too needy? I should not depend on anyone, I need to be able to do it alone?
These thoughts might go against our basic needs and create a conflict within us.
Connection..
I am a big promoter of independence, self-reliance, self-trust and self care, but that does not mean we don’t need to depend on other people.
There is a reason why rejection hurts. In fact the parts of the brain that reacts when there is physical pain overlaps with the parts that get triggered when there is pain from rejection.
Loss of someone’s love can hurt real bad.
All of us have an attachment pattern. It’s the way in which we make sense of the world and connect to the world.
Attachment with a loved one means that we are cared for and protected, this means survival and growth.
Being able to depend on someone, believe it or not, gives us a sense of independence.
When our attachment figure pulls away and refuses to connect is when we feel confused, distressed, anxious and rejected. In order to survive we keep trying and refuse to walk out of the relationship even if it hurts us.
Attunement…
We have the first experience of attachment with our parents. If we have consistent, reliable parents who are attuned with our needs, it allows us to trust and connect with them, helping us connect with ourselves and view the world in the same way.
A distant parent might cause us to be distant and disconnected with ourselves and the world. There might be a lack of attunement and trust as well.
An unpredictable and inconsistent parent who sometimes could be over involved might leave us confused. We might not know what to make of any situation. There might be self doubt, you might find yourself being too attuned to other people’s feelings and focus on their needs as opposed to your own needs.
Attachment patterns can change, healing can happen and we can find meaningful strong dependable relationships. There is a very important relationship that we need to form in order to allow ourselves to be attuned and connected to the other relationships in our lives and that is the relationship we have with ourselves.
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