Signs of anxiety in a relationship

Anxiety in a relationship comes from the fear of abandonment. It’s mostly seen in romantic relationships. One doesn’t necessarily have to have an anxious attachment style to feel anxious in a relationship. 

Attachment is a spectrum you might be avoidantly attached to the world but if your partner is more avoidant than you, then you might find yourself getting anxiously attached to them. An individual who has an anxious attachment style to begin with might feel anxiety in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style as well.

One feels anxiety in a relationship when they cannot trust that the person is truly choosing them and wants to be there with them as much as they want. 

If you have a partner who is avoidantly attached and does not communicate clearly, is guarded and makes you feel like they are keeping you at an arms length. On the other hand if you are someone who feels insecure about themselves, has a low – self esteem. Deep down feels like you are not worthy of love and that you will never find anyone who will love you. Then your partner’s behavior will make you anxious in the relationship. 

Past experiences that cause anxiety in a relationship

Childhood trauma

Sometimes you might feel anxiety in a relationship because of your childhood trauma For example, If you were raised to believe that everything was conditional and you have to prove your worth then you might feel anxiety in a relationship if your partner asked you to do the dishes before they got back home and you forget to do that. 

If you were raised by parents who were emotionally immature or unavailable. If your parents were inconsistent with their affection and you have no idea why they would be upset with you for doing something and then not react to the same thing another day. If your parents withheld affection if they were mad at you.If your parents were unpredictable.

Another reason might be, if you grew up in a family with addiction and a codependent relationship dynamic then absence of codependency in your adult relationship will make you anxious.

If you think that you are not good enough and you put your partner up on a pedestal. Then you will be constantly worried that they might leave you and you will go above and beyond to hold on to them.

In spite of things going well you can feel anxiety in a relationship. The trauma from your past experiences will keep you on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Lets talk about how you will know if you are experiencing anxiety in a relationship. Let’s talk about its signs.

Signs of anxiety in a relationship

Overthinking and worrying

People who experience anxiety in a relationship tend to overthink and worry about conversations, non verbal ques, gestures and behaviors. For example, if your partner comes home and goes to bed without talking to you, this will make you worry about the possibility of them being mad at you because you might have done something. You might worry about something that you said or don’t say resulting in this behavior. Whereas in reality, it might have nothing to do with you.

Fear of abandonment

You fear that your partner will leave you. You feel like you have to prove your worth to them. If you are of no use to them then they will leave you. For example, you don’t express your needs because you don’t want to be a burden. You go along with whatever they want even if you are not ok with it.

People pleasing behavior

The fear of abandonment leads to pleasing your partner. You don’t want to have a disagreement with them because disagreement feels like conflict and that makes you feel insecure about your relationship. You don’t prioritize your needs or yourself, you don’t want to do anything that will disappoint your partner. In doing so you don’t occupy space in the relationship.

Needing constant reassurance

You might need constant reassurance from your partner that they love you. You might constantly test them to see if they love you. You might feel the need to constantly check in with them to see if everything is ok. It is difficult for you to trust that your partner actually wants to be with you and that they chose you. You are worried about the other shoe to drop.

You might not be able to trust

You have a hard time trusting people. You fear that your partner will find out that you are not good enough and they will leave you for someone who is much better than you. There is a constant fear of being caught. This leads us to the next point of perfectionism.

Trying to be the perfect partner

The fear of abandonment drives perfectionism. People who are anxious in a relationship have perfectionistic expectations of themselves. They might be ok with their parts not being perfect but they are worried about giving their partner any reason to complain. 

Difficulty being vulnerable

You have a very hard time being vulnerable. You don’t express your feelings entirely, you hold a lot of it in. You are worried about being judged and misunderstood and hence your partner leaving you. As I mentioned earlier you don’t even express your needs. You might experience a lot of stress in the relationship even if your partner is not doing anything to cause the stress directly. Your lack of communication will lead you to causing stress.

Sabotage your relationship

You might break up with your partner or threaten to break up out of the fear of being abandoned. You might do that because you want him to prove to you that he loves you and wants to be with you. But that might not happen and it could lead to more disappointment and hurt. 

Pick fights with your partner

You might find reasons to fight with them. As a way to see if that will make them leave you.

Other signs of anxiety in a relationship

You are not ok with your partner spending a lot of time with their friends. You will either want them to invite you or skip most of the events and spend time with you. If your partner expresses desire to go, you might take it as a sign that they don’t love you. You might be jealous of your partner’s interaction with friends or co-workers of the opposite sex.

Some ways in which you can cope with anxiety in a relationship

Connect with yourself

Find out what you are feeling and what is making you fear abandonment. Is there something happening in your relationship that’s making you feel that way? If your partner is loving, caring and kind then where is this feeling coming from? Get curious with yourself and understand your patterns. Identify your needs.

Communication with your partner

As difficult as it is for you to be vulnerable with your partner about your needs and feelings, you have to communicate with them honestly about your concerns and insecurities. You have to talk to them about how they can be there for you and what will help you.

Seek professional help

The feeling of anxiety in a relationship is very layered. It is not one thing that causes it. It’s important to seek professional help not only to understand your patterns but also to heal the wounded inner child parts. Also to work through the trauma of past relationships that are showing up in your current life.

Approaches like EMDR and IFS will help you drop the burden you are carrying and not only desensitize you from past trauma but also reprocess by interacting with a positive belief about yourself.