When people talk about codependent relationship they mostly refer to a romantic relationship. But one can have a codependent relationship dynamic with anyone like with their spouse, friend, co-worker, boss, siblings, in-laws, parents.

Before we get into the signs of codependent relationship. Let’s talk about what codependency means. Codependency is when someone relies on other people to meet their emotional needs. Their self worth is attached to how other people perceive them. The fear of being alone is so intense that someone who is codependent maintains a one sided relationship by assuming the role of the giver in the relationship. The thought of being alone and the anxiety that comes from it is so intense that they stay in abusive and emotionally disturbing relationships.

What-is-codependency

Someone who is codependent is willing to do what it takes to hold on to relationships. A codependent person sacrifices their own needs, health and wellbeing for others. The need to be needed makes them feel secure. There are not just codependent people, there are codependent cultures and family dynamics. Codependency is something that can be transferred from one generation to the other as a legacy burden.

For example, if you are raised in a household where one of your parents gets intoxicated every night and the other one is carrying all adult responsibilities from providing for the family to raising kids and

meeting all the other needs of a family but no one talks about it. The addict parent gets sick and the other parent continues giving without ever having received anything.

The codependent parent is the giver who is in a codependent relationship with the addict parent. You as a kid are exposed to the underlying tension in the house and made to feel guilt and shame for not being good enough as the codependent parent acts like a martyr. To keep the peace you might assume the role of the giver at a very early age.

You might stop asking for care and nurture and take on an adult role in the family very early in life following the footsteps of your parent who is a giver. This might be encouraged and appreciated by the codependent family dynamics. Whereas one of your other siblings might take on the role of a taker for the same reasons which is also encouraged by this dynamic. This is how the codependent dynamic is transferred to the next generations.

A few other examples are when there is tension in the house because of a chronic illness, that can make you follow in the footsteps of the parent who is the giver. Another one is when the codependent parent might lean on you for their own emotional needs making you take on the role of the giver.

Adult children taking care of their aging parents is a regular transition of life.  In a healthy dynamic if aging parents get sick and need more help and are not able to be independent then their adult children make decisions for their old age care based on the resources like time and finances available.

In a codependent dynamic there is an expectation that the adult children will sacrifice their own needs to take care of their parents. These adult children are not allowed to make decisions for them and are never seen as grown ups they are always treated like kids it doesn’t matter how hard they try. This type of dynamic is seen in a lot of cultures all round the world and could be seen as a cultural burden that the entire family is carrying.

codependency-legacy-burden

IA non codependent relationship is when neither party involved takes on a giver or a taker’s role. They have a reciprocal relationship where they are able to support each other and are also comfortable being alone with themselves. In healthy relationships people are inter-dependent and independent. They don’t need the other person, instead they enjoy the company of the other person and that person adds to their life and does not take away from it. Every healthy relationship needs a balance of space and togetherness. This is not just restricted to a romantic relationship.

Signs of codependent relationship

 

Here are a few signs that will tell you that you might be in a codependent relationship dynamic.

Sacrifice your own needs for others

When you keep showing up for your parents at your own expense. For example, your parents need your help and you have been helping them but now you are at a point of burn out. However, instead of taking care of yourself and setting boundaries and reevaluating care arrangements you keep showing up neglecting your own needs because the feeling of guilt over powers the burn out.

You don’t have a life outside of your partner and your family. Your life revolves around your partner and your kids. You think about them and do everything for them. You don’t keep time aside for yourself. You go above and beyond in making sure all their needs are met and forget about your own needs and your health.

 

Don’t set boundaries out of the fear of abandonment

In a codependent relationship dynamic people don’t talk to each other about things that bother them. They suppress and deny unpleasant feelings like sadness, hurt, confusion and fear. You rather pretend that you are not feeling it than set boundaries with the people who make you feel uncomfortable.

It’s difficult for you to set boundaries with anyone. You will take on extra responsibilities at work out of the fear of getting a bad review or getting fired. You will rationalize and converse yourself to keep taking more on your plate even if it’s crushing you.

 

Try to control other people and situations

You are scared of having a conversation or a discussion about your needs or conflicts with your friends. So instead you try to control the situation. For example, you overshare about your hardships to get people to offer you help or you do a lot for them hoping that they will do the same for you in return. For example, you make sure to make a big deal of your friends’ birthday hoping that they will do the same for you. When they don’t respond the way you had expected it makes you sad, angry, it feels unfair.

In a codependent relationship dynamic you will try to control your kids, your siblings and partner and expect them to behave a certain way around people so that people don’t think badly of you. You might try to control peoples feelings by pleasing them and meeting their needs.

Signs-of-codependent-relationship

Asking for help makes you anxious

It’s difficult for you to ask for help. You feel like you have to make up for what someone might have done for you. If someone helps you with something you will go above and beyond to make up for it. Asking for help makes you feel anxious because you are scared that they will refuse and that will make you feel worse. If someone refuses to help you then you blame yourself for it, beating yourself up thinking that you are an inconvenience to them and they don’t like you. 

For example, if you need to be picked up from the airport and you asked your friend to see if they can help, you will keep feeling anxious till they give you a positive response. You don’t ask your partner for help, you convince yourself to carry most of the burden then when they don’t help it upsets you because you expect them to notice that you are burdened and offer help.

In a codependent relationship you constantly worry about what other people think about you-

How you are perceived by others is important to you. It’s very important to you that you and people associated with you like your kids and partner are perceived in a positive light. You might get very upset at your kids if they behave in a way that you think will make people think of you as a bad parent. The fear of abandonment makes you extremely cautious around people. You notice how they are communicating with you as compared to others. Your self esteem is attached to external validation so it’s very important for you to be at your best behavior. 

Enable people in their life

In a codependent relationship dynamic the giver enables the people in their life to continue their destructive behavior. For example, you will make excuses for your drunk husband’s behavior. You will ignore your boyfriend’s hurtful behavior and continue in the relationship hoping to change him. You will take care of your adult children financially while they disrespect you and treat you badly.

You overlook and deny a lot of people’s impolite and disrespectful behavior because of the fear of losing them. You are so scared of being alone that you would rather have people who are unkind than be by yourself. 

Angry is expressed in a passive aggressive

There is a lot of anger and resentment in a codependent relationship dynamic. The person who is constantly giving is exhausted, burnt out and upset. They feel resentful for not being treated the way they treat others. They don’t understand what more they can do to change people’s behavior towards them. Sometimes the anger shows up in passive aggressive remarks and comments. 

For example, you invited your kids over for dinner and they were busy that day. You might tell them something like they are always busy when it comes to spending time with you. A non-passive aggressive comment would be if you tell them that you miss them and want to see them and would like to figure out a time that works for everyone.

Cannot self regulate need to rely on people to co-regulate

In my opinion kids and teenagers learn to regulate through co-regulation. Adults who can form healthy attachments can regulate themself and then rely on their community and friends for co-regulation. For example, if you are going through a difficult period in your life, you will need the support of the people around you to get through it, while providing the same support and compassion to yourself.

In a codependent relationship dynamic the codependent person leans on her partner, kids, friends to co-regulate without trying to self regulate or be there for themselves. They feel entitled to that kind of support. If someone tries to set a boundary with it they feel abandoned. For example, when they overshare hoping that the other person will feel sympathy for them and help them feel better. Or they reach out to their kids with issues that don’t concern them. 

Due to being raised in a codependent culture or family dynamic these types of behavior feels normal. Especially as women, it feels like giving to other people is what we are supposed to do. Things about ourselves feels like being selfish. We hope that other people will consider us and think about us as we are doing so much for them.

In order to come out of a codependent relationship dynamic we have to start thinking about ourselves. Check out this article about how to stop being codependent in a relationship. Although it is written from a romantic relationship perspective, it applies to any codependent relationship. As at the end of the day it’s your understanding of your self, your patterns and your work on it that will help you get out of a codependent relationship dynamics.